January 8, 2009

Imperfect is the New Perfect

Posted in Conflicted Mama, Motherhood, New Mama tagged , , at 8:27 pm by chilloutmama

I’ve noticed a pattern among my parent friends. Those with more than one child are so much more laid back about everything. I realize this is hardly a revelation. Once a person manages to keep their first offspring alive through the first year of life and beyond, it naturally inspires confidence in their ability to do it again. Toys with small parts for babies and toddlers: No biggie – their first kid choked half a dozen times and they popped the offending objects out of his/her gullet, no problem. TV before the age of two: How else do you expect me to get anything done? Peanut butter before the age of one: Hey, it’s a cheap source of protein and it’s easy. Fast food for dinner: Fuck it – I’m too tired to cook.

Those parents – and when I say parents, I mean mothers – who are still on their first kid tend to be much more anal. Only wholesome, organic foods may pass through their children’s lips. Was that toy car made in China? Holy shit, get it away from my son – he’ll die of lead poisoning! Plastic is the devil’s invention; babies put to bed on their tummies die of SIDS; playground sand is akin to a petri dish, and so on, and so on.

This fear-induced approach is only reinforced by most publications for brand-new parents. All the carefully studied literature provided by the hospital focuses on the seemingly endless risks posed to your infant’s safety and wellbeing. You’re constantly reminded of how helpless this fragile creature is, how utterly dependent on you for survival. You meticulously log the baby’s pissing, shitting, sleeping and eating patterns. You’re vigilant against life-threatening fevers or any other sign of illness. Once you’ve trained yourself to be obsessed with caring for your infant child, it’s hard to break the habit, even after the kid has successfully transitioned to rough-and-tumble toddlerhood.

Of course, all but the most hopelessly Type A parents manage to free themselves of this pattern eventually. We have to because it’s fucking exhausting. And again, the changing attitude is reflected in (or perhaps influenced by) parenting magazines. Now that I have nearly two years of parenting under my belt, I have a deep appreciation for the wry humor and resigned attitude of many mainstream parenting magazine writers. These stalwart editors reinforce my belief in these unassailable truths:

-All family meals should be fast and easy to prepare. (And going to bed hungry never killed anyone, particularly not picky eaters.)
-Every mom needs and deserves a spa day. Even if she went yesterday.
-God made dirt and dirt don’t hurt.
-It’s OK to not love being a parent 100 percent of the time…or even 50 percent of the time. (Cuz it doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids.)
-Most husbands don’t get it. (Sorry, honey.)

Sure, there’s that part of me that wants to resist joining the ranks of proudly imperfect parents represented by Parenting magazine and somehow present my own thoroughly fresh and unique take on the subject. But I don’t always have the energy to be unique. And there’s strength in numbers.

December 12, 2008

I May Not Be Glamorous, But At Least I’m Clean

Posted in Motherhood, New Mama tagged , , , at 9:38 pm by chilloutmama

I’ve been reading a collection of essays by Moms (call it research) and a common theme seems to be wistful recollections of how much more glamorous these women were before they had children.

I like to fancy myself to be in the same situation. My ultra-low-maintenance “look” of jeans, t-shirts and sneakers? What do you expect? I’m a Mom. Can’t very well be chasing after a toddler in high heels or sullying expensive fabrics with spaghetti sauce and grape juice now, can I?

But who am I kidding? I was decidedly unglamorous long before I ever had a kid. Really, when you’re working a desk job at a casual dot-com without any serious corporate ladder-climbing (or romance-seeking) intentions, how are you supposed to dress? T-shirts and denim (designer, but still) has been my uniform for years now. Sure, I’d occasionally mix things up with high-heeled boots or a cute sweater, but that was about as exciting as things got. And the hair? Ponytail, more often than not. I hardly needed motherhood as an excuse to streamline my beauty routine.

I do pride myself on one thing, however. During the “dark days” when Donovan was a newborn, I managed to take a shower pretty much every day. I had read in some parenting book or magazine that daily showering was one of the things that brand-new mothers should assign to the “unimportant” column, being edged out by more urgent needs like sleeping (“whenever the baby sleeps” – what a joke) and eating (never had a problem with that one). 

I have a different take on the topic. My advice to new mothers: Find a way to get your daily scrub-and-steam. A shower is one of life’s few pleasures that is completely innocuous (unlike, say, alcohol, bacon cheeseburgers and cheesecake), and it can be completed in a relatively short amount of time. No matter how shell-shocked he/she may be, your partner can manage a screaming infant on their own while you take a 15-minute break. We all feel better when we’re clean (and everyone around us tends to appreciate it as well).

October 25, 2008

Mommies and Me

Posted in New Mama tagged , , , at 8:13 pm by chilloutmama

I think it’s a common instinct for first-time mothers to isolate themselves for a little while after giving birth. You’re suddenly living a completely different life from what you knew before, and there’s no way that your childless friends could even begin to relate. Plus you need to protect your tiny, fragile new creature from germs, because there’s nothing scarier than the thought of a sick newborn. And of course you’re tired, you’re sore, you’re hormonal. It all doesn’t make for a pretty picture, so you shut yourself in with your screaming/pooping/bafflingly demanding spawn…and start to lose your mind (and your identity) a little bit.

This is why finding the company of other new moms who are going through the same thing you are is such a comfort and a revelation. Here are people with whom you can commiserate, ask advice and share your own experiences. You wonder how you ever survived without them, your beautiful sisters in motherhood

My experience was no different. After weeks of nipple torture, I decided to check out the breastfeeding support group at my local hospital to get some help. The second time I went, one of the women asked me if I wanted to join some of them at Acapulco for the lunch buffet. Because unlimited tacos, sweet tamales and churros was very close to my idea of heaven at that moment, I said yes.

Acapulco was pure bliss…I swear it was almost as good as an actual vacation in Acapulco. The food was yummy, Donovan slept the whole time, and I got to know some new people – supportive mothers who were going through the very same difficulties that I was experiencing. I went to the group again the following week, partly in the hope that there would be another group trip to the lunch buffet (there was!), and eventually we formed a social group outside of the breastfeeding class. Each week someone would host the play date at their house and there would be tons to eat. And each week I got to know these women a little better…and realize how little I had in common with most of them outside of the whole baby thing. Topics of conversation became predictable and numbingly mundane: how long does your baby nap, what solid foods have you introduced, how often are you nursing, blah, blah, blah. These routine chats would be followed by awkward silences I would fill by returning to the food table and stuffing my face some more. 

I imagine this is a common predicament for new mothers. Suddenly you have way less in common with your old friends who haven’t had babies yet, and so you find yourself searching for fellow moms whose lives you can actually relate to. But relating to people about one very specific thing – even something as all-consuming as mothering a newborn – doesn’t necessarily make for the most fulfilling friendships. Especially when we eventually become more comfortable with our new roles, we don’t need as much reassurance, and we slowly start to re-integrate into life outside of parenthood.

As time went on, I stuck with the group because these were likable, friendly and generous women, and because I wanted Donovan to have playmates. Tonight, in fact, we’re all getting together for a kiddie Halloween party. I’m looking forward to it, and not entirely because I know there’s going to be some killer grub there.

And in the meantime, I’ve met and developed some wonderful relationships with other mothers to whom I feel a much stronger connection. But it took time to find them. Thank God I did, because it’s a tremendous relief to be able to talk about something other than the joys and perils of parenting. 

August 1, 2008

Fresh Eyes

Posted in New Mama tagged , , , , , , , at 10:30 pm by chilloutmama

My husband once said that he envies me because I get to see the world through a child’s eyes. And after I reminded him that being a mother isn’t all fun and games; it’s hard work and that he should spend a day in my shoes to really understand how much energy it takes…I realized that he had a point.

After my son Donovan was born in April of 2007, I decided not to go back to my full-time job and to instead stay home to take care of him and to build my own business, an online spa directory that had been my side gig for several years – my first baby, so to speak. Many women don’t get to make this choice, and I try never to forget how lucky I am to be in this position. I’ve been given the invaluable opportunity to watch our son grow from a screaming little lump into a quite interesting, funny and lovable little person. I even get to be his best friend. (Also, his food supply, dance partner, playmate, jungle gym, chef, maid…really, his all-around personal servant).

Even on the toughest days when Donovan has me on the verge of tears with his incessant fussing, hollering and crying, I remind myself that this time in our life together is as fleeting as it gets, and the smiles, laughs, discoveries, bouncing, babbling and squeals of excitement more than make up for the darker times.

This blog was inspired by the new perspective on life Donovan has given me: my fresh set of eyes.

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